Take popular TV character, get popular TV character into recording studio, release record by popular TV character upon the public and watch the cash roll in. How can it possibly fail? Oh..let us count the ways!
MR T
'Mr T's Commandments'
(1984)
Mr T serves up some advice to America's children via a series of belligerent rap-stylee songs brimming with specifics and carefully penned lyrics of educational intent and moral instruction. Listen with utter bewilderment as he gruffly barks out an endless volley of backbiting threats and warnings in a woe-betide manner in an attempt to rattle the kids into terrified compliance. When Mr T raps out unhinged venom like...'if you break the rules, god help you fool' in a no nonsense tone you can almost hear the traumatised gasps of a thousand children...NOT! This is wild hardcore cheese grating gangsta rap straight from the grumpy/impatient underground beats genre...with none of that jibba jabba!
Leonard Nimoy
Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins
(1968)
The biggest slice of face filling surreal cake you've ever been served up since the perplexing mountain of gob stuffing sponge buns that tumbled from the 'Clint Eastwood Sings Cowboys' album and shut your mouth forever. Leonard 'Mr Spock' Nimoy launches the unprovoked and viciously damaging mind-karate assault upon the entirety of the world - a musical version of the bullying tactics favoured by crazed loons such as Idi Amin and Sadam Hussein - the outcome is less bloody of course, but the initial attack is no less damaging Feast your eyes and ears upon it and be forever impressed with his skilled use of double-edged versatility as he effortlessly brings 'cringing akwardness' and ' fucking horrendousness' together at the same time.
Telly Savalas
If
(1974)
Best known for his role as Kojak the bald, lollipop munching 1970's New York detective - and best forgotten for this wearisome clutter of monotonous trash. - Telly Savalas piggy backing on the strength of his popularity, covers the classic Bread song 'If'..by merely speaking it....The abrasive rasp of his gritty American drawl was once the sound that caused a million female hearts to flutter and skip - allegedly - and they were no doubt the target being aimed at here. With an orchestral arrangement behind him that was clearly made of cheese the desired effect was lost amid the sheer unhinged craziness of it all. A masterpiece of sheer brilliance and majestic greatness...said nobody ever!
David Hasselhoff
Night Rocker
(1985)
See - we tolerated the celebrity crossover thing - smiled at some of it - even considered some efforts to be a little bit endearing. We made no attempt to step in because we believed it would all fizzle itself out and come to nothing - it's just a fad they said - it'll soon blow over they said - what harm can happen they said.
Fuck Off!
Patrick Swayze
She's Like The Wind
(1987)
The handsome man that all the women fell in love with and fantasised that maybe one day they too might 'dirty dance' with the sexy devil! Had he left things there everything would have been just lovely, but no. The greedy bastard wanted more, so much more, and those paid to agree with him....agreed with him. Cashing in on his Dirty Dancing popularity as if 'shameless' was a description yet to be invented. Swayze unleashed this superficial vomit bomb upon the people and earned himself a new title...CUNT. Wade through the diabolical lyrical ocean of sickly treacle and syrup nonsense like the million calorie sugar lava explosion below...and be assured, it gets no better
Feel your breath on my face.
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
